Why do some friends try and discourage happiness?
I said to one of my older friends who has always been a little annoying, that I couldn't be bothered going to this abortion tomorrow because I'm too lazy.
She said "Good, cancel it - keep the baby" ... And I replied pretty much with Fuck no, I want to be skinny again.
She then proceeds to tell me that the lifestyle I was living in Darwin was unhealthy for me and I wasn't happy.. and that I'm missing out on being happy at home, eating a lot and being healthy.
She just doesn't understand that being at home, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner is just making me depressingly unhappy/frustrated and fat. ..
Maybe she does it because she'll never leave our home town. She's always unhappy with every relationship she's in.. she's overweight too.
I had the ultrasound yesterday. Abortion tomorrow.
I keep thinking about whether I want the baby or not. I don't want to give up my life.. but sometimes I get the feeling that this baby was meant to be. Just the way things have turned out.
I mean, I never take boys home to sleep with them. EVER. I just happened to bring this one kid home (who remember is also my 9th, and the number 9 is quite special to me) and fall pregnant to him the one time I sleep with him. I've never fallen pregnant before and there's definitely been heeeeaps of chances for it to happen.
And then I wonder, what if this baby was destined for huge things. What if it's supposed to be some big part of the world..
What would it be like if I just had a baby in my arms? I'd love to have a little baby boy in my arms that was mine.
But I think I'm desperate for a little boy because all my relationships fuck up. I just want a little boy with me who is going to be mine and I'm his.. not like a dog, who dies eventually or a boy who just fucks your emotions around.
This all doesn't make much sense. I'm just rambling.
makes sense to me, it feels like an impossible decision to make because the pros and cons for each are incomparable.
ReplyDeleteyou'll make the right choice for you & while you might second guess yourself some days, don't let it pull you down.
Doesn't matter the choice you make, some days it will be easier to stand behind it and others will be difficult. I doubted my decision to have an abortion for a while, but I'm certain it worked out for the best and in all honesty, even now I sometimes wonder if I should have waited longer to have a kid. (my son is 4, of course I love him, but some days I can't help but wonder what if....)
sorry you're having to go through all of this, it's such a hard decision.
ReplyDeletei'm not trying to sway you either way, but i also believe that everything happens for a reason so i understand when you think that maybe its very coincidental and possibly meant to be. You could always consider adoption if you really feel that way? or you could just have one kick-ass little baby of your own haha
but either way you will make the decision that is right for you and that you were meant to make. and you know that you always have everyone here that will support you either way, so just think long and hard about both choices and i hope you're happy with whatever you do.