Off Track

This is where my whinging gets worse.
Food is the first and last thing on my mind.

I'm not hungry.

I don't want to eat but I feel as though I just have to stuff my face.

I have a 60g box of chocolates in front of me at 380cals.
A friend from work gave them to me for helping her out yesterday when she wasn't feeling the best.
I don't want them but I just want to chow down every single one of them.
I feel like an absolute failure today.
I've had about 150 cals of scones.
80 cals of rice cakes.
Have I already wrecked it for myself? I don't know. I feel horrible about it.

Tomorrow will be a new day. I can start over again.

I'm bloated. My mouth is sticky.

My moods are changing from happy to sad. A minute ago I felt like crying. Suddenly I'm feeling happy and normal again. I've forgotten what I've come on here to say.
..Something about being trapped in my life..
For some reason I don't feel trapped anymore. I'm going from one extreme to the other today. I've been on verge of tears about four times now.

My mum is getting pissed off. We need our roof replaced. She's scared for the satellite. That we'll have to get it taken out and re-installed. Wants me to cancel what feels like the only thing that will make me happy at the moment. She eats all the time.
She was shouting at me for something a minute ago over the phone - all I could hear was her mouth clicking and chewing from the food. I felt like screaming at her to just keep her mouth shut!!!! But I can't do that.

Right now, I feel as though I have no strong males in my life. My dad blames me for not seeing/contacting him. In my mind and heart - I'm still just a kid with him. No confidence in him. What if he just rejects what I'm saying? My feelings about his absence? I'm just going to feel stupid. My points don't matter to him. He's never seemed to want me in his life. He tells my little sister that I'm to blame for not being around.. that I'm the one who could make a difference.
But he never made an effort.
Aren't fathers supposed to be the only man you can count on?
How do I count on a boy to love me and want to be there through all the crap when I can't even get that from my dad?
I've never been one to blame my problems on my father. I always thought girls that blamed them for their relationship problems were idiots. Trying to get out of owning up to the responsibility of stuffing their own lives up - creating their own anxieties and low confidence - but I'm thinking more and more that my dad and brother have stuffed this up for me. I'm under the impression that a boy doesn't want me around. I might be told I'm attractive - that I have a good personality and all these other wonderful qualities that are supposed to bag me a decent guy. But they don't stick around. No one does. I'm blaming myself for this one. I don't give them a chance to stay around. Once these boys get to know me - to see my ugly side. The stretch marks. Trust issues. Flab. I don't have the perfect home or a full family. I don't have a welcoming attitude. They'll see that after I've let myself go to them and then they'll leave.

I'm not writing this to get sympathy. I'm getting this off my chest. I don't tell people these things. I don't tell them my worries or my insecurities. I don't want sympathy, like I'm trying to get a compliment. I want some understanding. I want my brother and my dad to love me and want me around because I feel as though it would solve some problems I'm having right now. If I had their support and understanding - maybe I wouldn't feel so trapped?