Embarassment.

I've woken up.
Yesterday was a full day of eating.
I don't remember exactly but it was something along the lines of -

About 15 rice cakes

2 cups of yoghurt

plate of chicken and chips (some purged)

four rows of chocolate

2 chicken legs

one bottle of lemonade and half a bottle of Diet Coke

There was more. There was a lot more. I can feel it. So I've woken up feeling embarassed. The kind of I-got-really-drunk-last night-and-had-sex-in-the-middle-of-the-d-floor-embarassed.

Funny that. A day of mass food has made me feel so weird. What did I do or say last night?? I just don't know. No!! I do!!

I got a message from the boy who was on the bus with that dirty chick.

He asked whether I was at the club. All I said was no.

He then said he wanted to say sorry for what the dirty chick and her equally skanked up friend did to me on the bus the other week. I said that this is the first I've heard about something bad they've done.. he said "I don't know - //skanky friend// said they spat on you.. what are you doing tonight?" ... I got angry. Started swearing at him. I think he got a shock. Usually I'm polite - will agree to meet up with him as always - always ready and available to see him. Not this time.

I said that "I'm now with someone & dirty chick can fucking have you". All he asked was who I was with now. At that point Robbo called and spoke to me about something for about 40 minutes. When I hung up I had about 4 more messages from him with question marks and asking who it was. Does this mean I have one up on him?? I really hope so.

Maybe that's what I'm embarassed about. Feeling upset about. I wont hear from him again now.. unless we happen to be at the same club and talk. Which wont actually be talking. It'll be something else. It's always been so passionate with him. I feel crap for ending it like that.

I don't know what to do. I just want a lovely boy dog. A boy dog would satisfy my need for comfort and attention. Give me unconditional love. That's all I want.

My soul-mate died last year on March 9.

Exactly 6 months to do the day between my birthdays.

I think there's something strange about that.

My baby died. It was a horrible way for him to go and my heart is still broken from it.

Although I now feel confident enough to choose a new boy for myself - I'm scared. I know I'll never find him again and it's very discouraging. I just want my baby back.

In other news. I suggest you girlies listen to Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - I bought the Best Of album the other day and it's pretty flippin good. Also maybe give Lou Reed a listen. He'll do wonders for your happiness.

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My motivation is through the roof - I had my all day binge yesterday. It's out of my system. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to be thin. I'm going to make Robbo proud of me. His Christmas party is in 2 weeks. Unfortunately not enough time to make him proud to have me on his arm.

So I'm going to reject the invitation.