Another rant. Sorry girls.

Over the last few months I’ve become more and more uncomfortable with myself and my body.
I feel more attractive but when it comes down to someone touching me.

I feel absolutely disgusting.

I’m the thinnest I’ve ever been but I feel as though people are touching all this fat and feeling rough, disgusting skin. When I was fat – I never seemed to have this problem. I guess because I thought people expected to feel that. They could tell by looking at me that I was fat, therefore, there were no surprises when it actually came down to touching me on the waist, hip etc..
I’ve never had so many insecurities in my life. Do I blame this eating disorder?
Another thing – Do I even deserve to say I have an eating disorder? Do I need to earn it somehow? I don’t think I can place myself in the group of girls that have it. I’m not thin enough. I don’t try hard enough with my eating. How do I put myself into that category? I feel as though I need to earn it and that maybe, after a few more kilos lost – I will have earned it.

I think this stems from feeling inadequate in so many other situations.
I’m simply just not good enough.
I know I’m attractive, but I’m not attractive/interesting enough to snag myself a confident, put-together boyfriend. I don’t even *want* a boyfriend. Why do I feel the need to be good enough for one, when I don’t even want it!?
Who am I?
I’m sinking into a depression.
One minute everything seems perfectly fantastic. I know I’ll pull through and be fine without my best friend. I think - sure –
yeah I’ll just calm down a bit –
save some money –
stop drinking so much -
I’ll get out to the festival by myself and I’ll be FINE! ..
The next minute I’m thinking how sad I am.
I’m not going to cope.
I just want to lay down on the ground and cry.
Just cry about everything bad in my life and how those bad things are the only thing in it – there’s no happiness ahead for me.
I’m going to miss out on so many things while my friend is away.
So many opportunities for a good time.. but my biggest problem is that I think every single thing would be solved if only I had my little pup back again. If only he’d come back to me. Lay with me. Smile at me. Let me pull him around however I wanted. He gave me so much love even when I pushed him away. He was so sensitive to my feelings.
My heart is still breaking nearly 2 years after his death.

I still have a lump in my throat that just wont go down no matter how much I try to swallow this horrible feeling.

I still imagine him just coming out from around the corner and waddling towards me.

Seeing him on the side of the road as my train moves on.

Hear him walking into my bedroom at night and moaning because he can't jump onto my bed by himself anymore.
I just don’t know what to do without him when I fall into these depressing periods.
I think everything will be fixed when I find my special boy again.
But it wont.
Only I can make things better for myself.
Why am I so insecure?
Why don’t I think I’m good enough? I’m so extremely afraid of being liked and then suddenly they’ll change their mind.
Investing time and taking down my wall for them only to find out that they didn’t really want it in the first place and me becoming a joke to them. I will look stupid. Everyone will laugh and they will tell me that I was a gullible idiot to even believe them in the first place. My feelings will be hurt and I’ll be left alone, once again.
I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I always manage to find someone else. Someone to be with over the weekend. To take my mind off my miserable attitude towards my image and how I’m accepted by others.
It makes me feel wanted and good for that night – I know I’m wanted but why can’t I physically show that I’m wanted. Why can’t I mentally let others know that I’m wanted.
What am I doing hanging around with this Jesus fellow when he is an absolute cockpot?
I can do better than that. I deserve someone attractive, smart and together. Why can’t I follow through when I find someone like that?
I just can’t do it.