again

Not sure what's going on but I have the need to just write to you girls. I need some familiarity in my life at the moment and nothing seems normal/familiar except this blog. This blog was part of me when I was still around my best friend, when we were still getting drunk together - when I was doing well with my weight, when I still worked. It's been around when I've been in the shit times and the fantastic times - even though this has only been in my life a few months. This blog is just an awesome friend to me and all you girls are such a quality part. You really make it feel real. We may not all talk/comment to each other but just reading all your blogs, it's like a proper full conversation.

I'm feeling so strange right now. Nothing is normal anymore. Maybe it's because going away is getting closer and closer and then, nothing will be the same again. Nothing will ever be normal.
I'm so afraid to leave my mum. What if she's not okay by herself? What if she becomes lonely? I'm so scared of her being alone and nothing feeling normal for her. Am I being selfish leaving her alone?? I don't know. Most likely. I think I'm doing a good thing by leaving her. She'll have time to relax and concentrate on herself. I just need to keep repeating that this is good for my mum and that she's going to be better off without me. She'll be fine. I wont be here to stuff her up - no, even saying that doesn't sound right.. I need to keep saying "she'll have time to relax and concentrate on herself" ... Isn't it funny, one line can just take all worries away and even a different version of the line is still not as good as a certain few, select words.
Time to relax and concentrate on herself sounds so much better than "I wont be here to stuff her up" .. even though it's pretty much the exact same thing.

Tonight I'm having chicken nuggets, chips and cucumber for dinner.
I'm going to tell you the truth on what I ate yesterday.
2 hot dogs - purged
2 chops (uggh) - purged
3/4 of a chocolate cake - not purged
A handful of olives.
I don't think the purging cancels out the disgusting amount of fatty food - so I'm not feeling okay about it.
I did about 60 situps - like I promised myself.

But that doesn't make any difference to my disgusting stomach.

When I go away - it'll still be normal.. just a different kind of normal. You girls will be the familiar to me when I'm overseas and feeling homesick.
NO! I wont feel homesick!!!