I think purging makes me thinner.
I'm going to challenge you on that one, Ophelia.
I don't mean a challenge as an offense, or I want to have some kind of fact fight but purging worked for me - It worked really well - extremely well.
Now I'm a bit sus when it comes to these "ana, mia" terms. I plain and simple don't like girl names as much as boy names and I prefer boys to girls in general, so I'm going to call him Bully.
Bully helps me get through. He pushes my motivation to the surface when I'm sure it's disappeared. Bully suits his name. He's bullied me many times to get rid of the junk in my stomach - Bullied me into getting out of that chair to throw up what will surely make my stomach bigger tomorrow. He knows what's best for me. Sometimes Bully and my restrictions work together. I can restrict and purge, waking up the next day with a wonderfully flat stomach.. and I thank him for it.
I really hate talking as though Bully is an actual boy, a friend, someone I can find comfort in.
He's not a person.
He's more like an imaginary sergeant. Someone to keep me in line and help me out.
If I'm being honest - there's one thing that just makes me feel a bit silly and a little bit embarassed for the poster.. and that's talking as though "Ana & Mia" are real people and as though they are friends with this "Ana & Mia" .. Anas and Mias (funny, we do have a few here) have always been bitches to me. Always hated me. Although, I guess that's most people. Most girls simply don't like me. But back to the point. I just don't understand why people talk like this. As though they are real friends/people. I just talked about "Bully" then to show my points but I promise, I wont ever refer to my bulimia as that again. Back to the point again - Bulimia has worked well for me, and I thank it (for the moment)
If I'm being honest - there's one thing that just makes me feel a bit silly and a little bit embarassed for the poster.. and that's talking as though "Ana & Mia" are real people and as though they are friends with this "Ana & Mia" .. Anas and Mias (funny, we do have a few here) have always been bitches to me. Always hated me. Although, I guess that's most people. Most girls simply don't like me. But back to the point. I just don't understand why people talk like this. As though they are real friends/people. I just talked about "Bully" then to show my points but I promise, I wont ever refer to my bulimia as that again. Back to the point again - Bulimia has worked well for me, and I thank it (for the moment)
Last night I came home - I don't want to talk about what I ate but Bulimia pulled through and today, I weigh less than I have in the past few weeks. I know, I know - it takes longer than one night for the weight to pile up but in this instance, I'm looking for short-term satisfaction and I'm satisfied.
:Todays Intake:
White Coffee - 50c
:Planned Food Intake:
Chicken Wrap
100g Chicken Breast GF - 150c
Mountain Bread - 72
Lettuce - 10
Onion- 10
Mayo - 17
... Toasted in the GF ...
259. Fuck that.
Let's check out mushroom patties instead!!
150g mushrooms - 33c
2 eggs - 120c
2 slice bread/toasted for crumbs - 125c
Onion - 50c
= 330c - Halve that for my mums and my pattie - 165.
Fricken.. why is it all so fatty??
Is there something I can do to change the amount of fat?? .. bout 40c for eggs without yellows?
10 water crackers for 100c?
...
Okay - maybe just skip on the bread crumbs altogether?? Well, nah cos then it wont stick together. Whatever. I'm planning a purge anyway - that's if I even eat it.
I have a website (awasteofkate.blogspot.com) that used to be emaciatedbarbiedoll.page.tl
ReplyDeleteWhen I first made it I put up the famous "letter to Ana" & "letter from Ana" pages. Once I started getting site recognition, I took down those particular pages & the girls FLIPPED. You have no idea how many girls consider Ana & Mia to be real people. It's amazing.
I think in your case bulimia probably did work, but i've found if you binge on say gallons of icecream, chocolate, mcdonalds even and purge after you've eaten huge amounts sometimes you end up putting weight on coz you just simply cannot get it all out before your body starts to digest the calories and the fats and lets face it our bodies are bitches and they choose to store that shit on our asses. So my point is that their are two sides to every disorder if you know what i mean.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the great work though hun...you are truly inspiring!
Xx
If you really want it, I have a reply I wrote to a classmate in a discussion forum (I wrote a 38 page term paper on the psychological factors behind anorexia) and I can copy and paste you the reply (it's probably a page?)
ReplyDeleteIt cites a few sources as well as explains the "Ana" "Mia" thing, but I wanted to ask before flooding you XD
And good job with your restriction :3
I can't give out the whole paper (something about Research Rights or whatever--we have to wait or "approval" to be able to show it to people beside the college), BUT, this is the reply I gave over a discussion board. Sorry it's so long! It's also a little callous--I had to do this from a clinician point of view, not a supporter of Rights or a person with an EDNOS XD You don't really want to brag about that in your clinical psych. class XDDD
ReplyDeleteEXCUSE MISSING LETTERS OR TYPOS. My keyboard is broken XD
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It's not about considering them to be real people. It's support when there is none. It's the psychological factors of Ego VS Id (excuse the fall back to psychoanalytic principles--as you saw in my paper, these concepts need must be related to the CBT approach, though)--the same reason why many people believe in religion.
Followers of "Ana" don't want to be alone. They need someone to answer to, to help them control themselves because no one else, even themselves, can (according the 2008 Whitney et al. study). They refer to the symbol of Ana as a place to receive guidance from when they need it. Saying, "What would Jesus do?" is akin saying "What Would Ana Do?" Both are referring not to the an actual person (No one KNEW Jesus in modern day, only the biblical mythos surrounding, and thereby the lessons learned from them: just as no one knows "Ana"). Instead, they are referring to them as symbolic representatives of what they entail.
A common side effect is a feeling of "something" in their head which prevents them/is disappointed/disgusted/etc. when they eat, which is also closely related to the required symptom under the DSM IV-TR of "a phobia of gaining weight" (SEE: Phobia Lecture) (This "something" is NOT the influence of an external source, but an internal. If the client expresses feelings of an external source imposing it's will and/or thoughts, a follow up examination is needed to interpret further symptoms of possible schizophrenia, or paranoid anxiety. Thereby, this reply--as well as the paper--excludes those suffering from such delusions of "external force" and we will continue with only the classic internal).
The internal beast, if you will, can be seen in many other diseases where a person becomes addicted and/or obsessive--drug dependency/addiction, severe depression, cutting, etc. Modern popularity of the "Pro-Ana" front has given a common name to call this "internal voice" (a more exaggerated form of self doubt or self deprecation as seen in depression), and thereby provides this internal voice with power. This voice is what has been dubbed "Ana". Ana is seen as a shared voice amongst those who communicate frequently via use of "Pro-Ana" websites, subsequently providing more power to the phenomena (see: Int J D 2008). (To put it in more easily understood terms: Picture if you will people going to the famed hot springs in Europe which contain natural Lithium from the minerals in the ground below. If one persons gets in alone, they will experience it as a feeling of calmness and not pursue it further. If multiple people get in and one starts to refer to it as a "Holy, healing feeling", the "pack mentality" causes an inclination to agree, helping to reach a consensus. Though it is experienced differently, it is now labeled in much the same way.)
Ana can also be seen as referring to the mediator between the "Id" and the "Ego", if you will--it is what removes the cognitive dissonance. "I need to eat to live" is an instinct, supported by the reality of the Ego (the reality factor of the brain). But Ana (the neurological center of their brain which causes the obsessive-impulses as related to weight, Whitney et al. 2008) tells them, "You need to not eat to be in control" and helps manipulate the Ego to give into the Id's self destructive desires by rationalizing it (you will be stronger, better, thinner, have a better chance to mate--appealing to other instinctual desires that may override the instinct to eat, as well as justify ignoring the nourishment instinct all together). By appealing to both Ego and Id, it creates what is known by Keel and Haedt as an egosyntonic disorder (being in sync with wants and reason) and permits anorexia to be as deadly as it is.
(Also--TRUE anorexia is NOT a singular disease. It often shares MANY symptoms with varying degrees of Autism, OCD, OCPD, anxiety disorders, etc., in which similar "naming of sides of personalities" has been reported in some cases.)
From what I have gathered from research on various Pro-Ana writings, (SEE: Reference List) Ana is a symbol of perfect thinness. The smallest of the small. She is the demon and the friend. Just like in modern Christian religion, God is a hateful God (most of Leviticus, I believe), but God is also loving to those who come back and promise to never sin again.
Ana is hateful and is the voice that "rips you apart" if you do bad, but accepts you back if you promise to never eat again.
Ana is a complex figure; a deification of a mental drive, a general consensus on grouping combined disorder-related-symptoms, as well as an emotional replacement for the loss of friends and health that comes with full submersion into the disease.