Rant - Sorry. Sorry!

Okay so here are a few reasons why I'm the biggest tosser-bitchface-slutbag-bogan going around right now.

I eat whole bags of Snickers fun-size in one sitting.
I'm a cockhead to my mum pretty much 99.9% of the time.
I rarely help around the house.. and when I do - I think I'm queen shit of it and psych if someone goes near anything - resulting in them being called an assortment of degrading and mean names.
I don't take much shit from anyone but I dish it out in the worst possible ways (seriously waiting for my face to be smashed in)
I use boys
I trick boys
I make them think that I like them and they have a chance.. string them along until they get bored (in my defense, I never think they're interested anyway - I'm just keeping them interested long enough until I'm bored and over the real feelings. By then, I don't care whether they like me or not)
Yes - I'm better looking, have more influence, more common-sense, more intelligence and I'm funnier than everyone here in my area - but I don't show it because it's all fake to the bull-shit ego and self-confidence.
My fake confidence comes out when I'm drunk - I drink and drink and drink - waste massive amounts on alcohol and having a good time and I don't give a fuck what anyone says about it because they are my fun times.
According to me - drunk times are my only fun, worthwhile times - nothing else matters. If I'm not out on a Friday night, then I might as well turn into an ugly vegetable.
I don't appreciate anything for the simple fact that it's just not good enough for me!
There's that secret, fake confidence back. Not that you should call it confidence.. maybe just me being absolutely full-up to the brim of myself.. I don't know how I can even fit that bag of snickers inside of me after thinking all this.

I'm fighting this battle with myself - it's too extreme.
I'm either the top-shit or I'm just this ugly girl, gets along okay when I have some drinks in me and my face and hair done.
More often than not - I'm thinking that boys are only out for one thing - they only want sex from whoever they can get it from.
.I look easy.
I'm standing there, swaying from my alcoholic-binge. Drink in one hand - cigg in the other. I'll smile and talk to whoever wants to talk to me. Why? cos I just want attention.

All I want is attentioN

It's the most superficial, shallow, piece of shit attention ever.

My friend told me out of the blue on MSN - no hello, nothing - that she is going to this boys house. I asked why she tells me stuff like that (I'm seriously sick of her telling me she's going to some boys house, going to dinner with a boy, kissed a boy, did this that and the other) .. she told me I'm the worst friend ever and that she tells me because I always get attention and she gets none. .. And that's what's made me realise why the attention I get is so superficial. I don't tell anyone of this attention - I don't need to tell other people about the attention I get (except you guys, and thankyou for it because it builds up inside and I get frustrated)
I've never, pretty much never - hung out with a boy sober. I always have to be. drinking. I've never fucking been sober and actually hung out with someone in a serious - I-want-to-get-to-know-you-way. This chick gets more genuine attention. She shouldn't feel bad. I feel like a drunk tart. At least she has people wanting her cos she is her.
Fuck
Fuck.
People only want me cos of the way I bloody look. Any genuine attention I get, I just mistake it for boys shallow wants.. which is why I don't seem to mind stringing these boys along and then kissing other boys infront of them.. but apparently I made a mistake with the Brazillian. Maybe his was genuine - I'll never know...
But there's that fucking shit confidence back - as IF he would want me more. He's only making effort cos he thinks he'll get sex out of it. He's too good looking. He'd never want me for me. So fuck him, I don't need to feel bad cos he just wants to please his penis and I didn't play along.

My "happy, fun" drunk times are the cause of my shit confidence - they are the reason I feel as though people only like me for sex - but then, they are my only fun times!! WTF.. How do I get out of this shit, shit cycle??



_______________________________
It's only Tuesday - I can come back from the disgusting food-binge of the past two-three days.
One meal for dinner. Exercise for two hours.
Every night.
Fuck the snacks, sugar, seconds.
Only water - unless it's coffee.. der brain.
I can come back from this and look thin again on Friday

It's not too late!

I'm sorry - these notes are a bunch of random ramble that I'm trying to write down and express before I forget. Not much makes sense, and I'm sorry - but I'm just trying to figure out why the fuck I'm like this. Who the hell do I think I am, treating people the way I do.
Karma's gonna come back and hit me 10 times over.


P.S - this is not - repeat not a way of me asking for nice comments and even more attention - my big head can't handle it.