Oh, I see - I see.

I think I've done well. But I haven't.

I've totally fallen off the bandwagon and the impact from that fall has just totally fugged up everything. I'm disgustingly fat. I bought a family block of chocolate before. WTF!? . WHY?

I've had about 350c of it so far. Just burnt about 250c.

Not good enough, Gemma.

I know that I can't fast for the rest of the night until tomorrow.. so I'll allow myself some dinner (if it's made) and then it shall be purged. It will be. I'm promising it to myself - Funny, one of my rules for the day is to purge dinner. Fuck.

Okay - so I'm over B. I am. He came around again last night. I just can't deal with the affection. Like - he'll lay there and just stare at me. Don't want that shit. He kisses so boring. I thought I could fix it - but I just don't feel the passion and fun I do with Brazillian. There's only a couple of people I have felt the passion with. This boy I used to see at the club around my area.. and Brazillian. Hmm. I noticed too - I've been getting over him for the past couple of days.. but I've still been making out to him as though I'm interested.. to keep him interested. It's silly cos he's a lovely boy. He apparently hasn't even kissed a girl in a year and a bit since his last g.f.. who cheated on him with his friend that was in the band he used to be in And now he's opened up to me - said over and over again how comfortable he is with me and all this other junky stuff.. and I'm about to just cut ties. Simple. Like that. I'm so callous sometimes that is just amazes me. I don't mind hanging out with him once in a while.. but I can't deal with all this touching and neediness.

Yesterday. 2 ham and salad sandwhiches. Purged stirfry. Corn cob. 25g of chips. Toasted ham and mayo sandwhich. 2 mandarins. FUck.

Today,,, so far: 350c chocolate. 250 burnt.

Later: chicken stirfry purged. No chocolate.

I plan on burning at least another 500c tonight.

I'm a confused girl. I don't know where to go next.

I hope I can go to Good Club next week cos I have this pretty little top I want to wear that shows off my shoulders. I think, if I didn't have the shoulders I do - I'd probably give up and fuck off this whole thing. They keep me in line.